Skip to main content

A Bloody Good Time

I love a good decapitation in the afternoon.

'Tis the season to be bloody. Now's the time when my DVD player heats up from the countless Friday the 13ths and various 80s slasher flicks I play in order to get in the ghoulish mood for October 31. Forget those post-Scream, PG-13 remakes that dominate the current box office. I prefer my horror visceral, unabashedly budgeted at three dollars, and in the words of Jada Pinkett Smith, featuring dumbass white chicks with Aqua Net hair "gettin' their dumb white asses Cut. The. F**k. Up."

I will not bow my head in shame for owning DVDs of the following:

1988's Cheerleader Camp: See short shorts-wearing Leif Garrett run from a pom-pom-carrying killer in the woods. Money shot: Ditzy Pam gets a pair of gardening shears shoved through the back of her neck.

1987's Return to Horror High features George Clooney in a role (as an actor named...George) that sees him getting butchered within the first ten minutes of the movie. Horror High was kind of ahead of its time, laying out the blueprints for Kevin Williamson and Wes Craven's 1996 slasher satire. It was about a movie within a movie about murders that may or may not have taken place years ago. Nifty idea, but poorly executed. Bonus points for casting Maureen "Marcia Brady" McCormick as a cop who becomes infatuated with body parts.

1986's April Fool's Day sorta plays like a collegiate version of Ten Little Indians. A group of college seniors are invited to stay at a friend's island manor for the weekend. Pranks abound, and then the bodies pile up. If you're savvy enough, you'll notice Biff from Back to the Future as a jock who gets his throat sliced in a booby trap.

And then there's the Sleepaway Camp trilogy about a hermaphrodite killer who targets misbehaving kids at a summer camp. Of course it was a blatant rip-off Friday the 13th - but with that crazy gender-bender of a twist.

Speaking of Friday, the Jason Voorhees franchise saw many famous faces pass through the rotting gates of Crystal Lake as well. The throat of a post-coital Kevin Bacon gets impaled in bed. Corey Feldman saves his sister from a machete. Even Crispin Glover gets in on the action - he gets a meat cleaver to the face while his hand is corkscrewed to a chopping board.

Since All Hallows Eve falls on Tuesday, this upcoming weekend will be chock-full of parties where girls will most likely dress up as their favorite sluts and guys will most likely attempt to emulate Johnny Depp in all his swashbuckling glory.

I will be in attendance, donning an attention-grabbing outfit I created all by myself. To reveal my costume now before Halloween would destroy the element of surprise (and stir up a frenzy of copycats, I fear). What I can say is that I had the chance to preview it last weekend at an early bash where the reactions were great. I believe the words, "awesome," "clever," and "timely" were uttered by the partygoers I befriended while trying to avoid the potent mystery punch.

This year a part of me would also like to revert back to my 10-year-old self and experience trick-or-treating in L.A., specifically in the hoods of Beverly Hills and Hancock Park. God only knows what kind of goodies are given out. Godiva dark chocolates wrapped in crisp twenty-dollar bills? French truffles laced with fruity liquors? One thing's for sure: Expect none of that 99 Cent Store shit on Beverly Boulevard or 3rd Street.

Just the other day I consumed a twenty-dollar cupcake. They were made by one of our production managers who owns his own specialty cupcake business. A box of four costs just $75! If you're wondering if they're topped with Swarovski crystals, think again. If you'd like proof, go ahead: http://babycakesonline.com/

Whatever happens this weekend, I will not forget to "fall back." I'm sure one more hour of sleep will be needed after Saturday night's festivities at Matt's 666th Halloween Havoc. Mix CDs will play. The Monster Mash will be performed. Vodka will be had. And faces will redden (well, mine at least).

Enjoy the early darkness, kids. Look both ways before crossing the streets. Avoid those unwrapped treats...And go see Babel which opens in select theaters, produced by my employer (we're proud - plug complete).

If you don't, I'll probably just blog about it later after I attend the L.A. premiere and hang out with Brad Pitt.

Boo.

H.P.M.

Comments

Jenny said…
a) I totally plan to see Babel - so excited (for you and the movie)!
b) I. Want. One. Of. Those. Cupcakes!!! YUMMMMMMMMMMMM.
Ditto, plan on seeing Babel. Though I wonder: given your penchant for decapitation why on earth did you not like Marie Antoinette. Sure, there was no decapitation in the movie, but that's the implied ending...

And I cringe when I think of cupcakes.

xoxo

Popular posts from this blog

The Class of '98 Turns 40

We are the Class of '98.

We're a little too old to be Millennials, yet too young to be GenXers. As of now, half of our lives has lived in one century while the other half lives and moves forward in another.

For us, Cabbage Patch Dolls were the 80s, Tamagotchi was the 90s, and Napster was the dawn of the 00s. We grew up with cassette tapes and Saturday morning cartoons. We came of age with CGI dinosaurs and the rise of the Frappucino. And we approach middle age with memes, reboots, and viral videos all designed to distract us from middle age.

We were too young to fully understand the words "Challenger explosion." We were too young to appreciate the fall of the Berlin Wall. But by the time places like Waco, Oklahoma City, and Littleton pinged on everyone's radar, we started to grasp how scary the world could be.

Our adolescence was defined by jagged little pills, prescriptions from Dr. Dre, and the fact that some of us were naughty by nature. We learned that nirva…


13 Things You Probably Didn't Know About 'The Golden Girls'

When one nostalgically binges on all seven seasons of The Golden Girls like me (I swear I have a life), you pick up on a few things. Certain patterns appear as you continuously witness the consumption of countless cheesecakes inside a fictitious Miami kitchen and hear one St. Olaf story too many.

Here's what I noticed after playing my DVDs of this 80s classic over the past several months (and if you're already familiar with the following factoids, excuse me for underestimating your fanaticism)...

1. Actor Harold Gould, who played Rose's long-term boyfriend Miles Webber from Season 5 to Season 7 (and throughout most of the short-lived spinoff, The Golden Palace), also appears in the first season as Arnie Peterson, Rose's first serious beau after her husband's death.

2. The same can be said for Sid Melton, who played Sophia's deceased husband Sal (in flashbacks and dream sequences). He also appears in a Season 6 episode as a jester in a medieval-themed restauran…

Just Because: 9 Music Videos That Take Place in Laundromats

It's one of the biggest music video tropes that's rarely explored in pop culture.

The public laundromat has become a go-to location for artists when making a music video for a single they wish to sell to the masses.

But WHAT IS IT about a space where ragtag groups of strangers gather to fluff and fold their delicates? Is it the obvious metaphor of dirty versus clean? The scintillating possibility of people stripping off their clothes for a wash?

I was feeling a little nostalgic (as usual) and took a look at some of the vids that have fallen under the spell of spin cycles over the past 30 years...

"EVERY HEARTBEAT" / AMY GRANT (1991)

Back in the early 90s, the Christian pop tart followed up her massively successful "Baby Baby" with "Every Heartbeat," a personal childhood favorite of yours truly (the Body & Soul Mix, of course). In one of the two vignettes featured in the video, a laundry-toting hottie attempts to flirt with a young woman who re…