March 14, 2019

Lori Loughlin Reunites with Daughter Olivia Jade: A Dramatization


The following is purely speculative for the purposes of our general entertainment and my possible employment to write the inevitable HBO/Hulu/Netflix/Ryan Murphy limited series...



EXT. THE MOSSIMO ESTATE - DAY

A black SUV makes its way through a throng of news vans and a mob of reporters. Cameras flash. A proverbial media circus. The SUV pulls up to the gate as it slowly opens.


EXT. THE MOSSIMO COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS

The SUV makes its way up the driveway and stops. A shaken LORI steps out of the car. She's clearly had a rough night and glances up at the house, preparing herself for what's to come. Her assistant, RILEY, 27, an overly groomed twunk running on three Venti lattes, is right there with her. 

He attempts to guide her to the door, but she waves him away.


INT. THE MOSSIMO ESTATE - FOYER

Lori and Riley enter the quiet house, the outside chaos suddenly muted. No one is there to greet them.


RILEY
She should be upstairs in her room.

LORI
And Isabella?

Riley solemnly shakes his head.

Lori looks up at the top of the grand staircase. Afraid to take that first step. After a beat, she kicks off her Tory Burch flats.


INT. OLIVIA'S BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

OLIVIA is curled up in the corner of her Bali Wood Canopy King Bed. In one corner of her room: piles of boxes of Olivia Jade x Sephora Bronze & Illuminate palettes. Her pale face is aglow from her phone as she listlessly scrolls through.

Lori stands in the doorway and then makes her way to the foot of the bed. Her daughter doesn't give any indication that she hears her mother approach. 

LORI
Liv, baby...

Olivia doesn't move from her position.

LORI
I don't know where to begin.

More silence. Lori is near tears.

LORI
Can we please talk?

Nothing. She makes another attempt.

LORI
Looks like you had a nice time on Rick's 
yacht. I'm sorry it had to be cut short.

OLIVIA 
(glued to her phone)
Did they put you in a cell?

LORI
What?

OLIVIA
Did they put you in a prison cell for the
night? Did you have to sleep on a cot?

LORI
What? No, honey. They had me in this room--

OLIVIA
They should've put you in a cell. They 
    should've made you practice. Rotting away. 
 Considering that's what you'll be doing 
in Hell someday.

LORI
Honey, please. I know you must be hurting...

Olivia turns to face her mother. The rage begins.

OLIVIA
Hurting? Try humiliated. Try totally shunned
by all my friends. Try devastated because all
my sponsors just dropped me. Like that! Gone.
This is officially the worst spring break EVER!
I hate you! How could you do this to me? My
life is beyond over! How can I ever go back to
school? How could I ever make another video? I
have two-fucking-million subscribers who rely
on my beauty and lifestyle tips! Do you know
what they've been saying about me on YouTube? 

LORI
Honey, why don't you put the phone down--

Suddenly, Olivia throws the phone across the room. It hits one of her makeup palette boxes, and like dominoes, it hits another box; several tumble to the floor.

OLIVIA
Do you know how much I was making each 
month?

LORI
Olivia, baby--

OLIVIA
DO YOU?! I was making more than you'd
ever make in one episode of that flaming
piece of shit you call a Hallmark show.
And ironically? I was making enough to pay
for a semester at the school you and Dad
paid some old dude to get me into.

LORI
It's so much more complicated than that. 

OLIVIA
I can't stand to look at you.

Lori wipes away her tears. Regains her composure. There's a shift in her tone.


LORI
You have no idea how much we invested in 
you and your sister.

OLIVIA
Half a million apparently.

LORI
What did you think those fake crew photos
were for? You knew what we were doing.

OLIVIA
Is this where you tell me I'm an ungrateful
little brat? That I should be thankful
for everything you and Dad have given me?

Lori doesn't recognize the young woman in front of her. She's at a loss for words.

OLIVIA
Face it, Mom. You're fucked. What are you
gonna do now that everyone knows America's 
Favorite Aunt is a conniving felon?

LORI
I'm so sorry, Olivia. Please. Tell me...
Just tell me, what can I do?

OLIVIA
(daggers in her eyes)
You can get the hell out of my room.

And with that, Lori backs away. She nods, the tears coming back. She closes the door behind her.


March 02, 2019

LAUDERDALE: The 2019 Spring Playlist


Sure, there may be an arctic blast that is hitting most of the United States, but that doesn't mean we can't tap into some Spring Break feelings.

I've scoured the interwebs to find the perfect collection to get us all in a slightly warmer mood. So far, here's what I got: Lizzo is proving to be the Queen of Spring 2019 (she appears twice here). Hailee Steinfeld (track 3) has an 80s dance jam that Carly Rae Jepsen (track 10) wishes she released. Grammy darling H.E.R. covers a classic for the soundtrack to What Men Want (track 9) while Danish pop group Alphabeat makes a welcome return with "Shadows" (track 11). Speaking of comebacks, we have British boyband Westlife dropping in (track 6), and of course, Broadway crush Ben Platt shows up (track 5) with the first single off his forthcoming debut album.

As of this posting, there are 35 tracks waiting to be played, but as always, come back for updates to this playlist. (*As for the cover art, check out Yoko Honda's awesome retro designs here.)

@TheFirstEcho

March 01, 2019

My Pop Culture Saviors of 2018: A Belated List


2018 had its challenges -- but it also had some really good keepsakes. Here are some of the people (and things) who kept my year afloat.

1. Kevin Kwan - The author of Crazy Rich Asians and its two sequels became the subject of my Instagram fascination: a writer living a jet-set life, touring the globe on the merits of his writing, and seeing his creation turn into an international, Golden Globe-nominated sensation on the big-screen.

2. Cynthia Erivo - Her role (and singing chops) in the future cult classic, Bad Times at El Royale, caught my attention (along with anyone else who saw Drew Goddard's neo-noir crime thriller) and her fierce supporting role in Widows only cemented my fascination with this Broadway-trained actress.

3. MOBS - They're the Australian synth-pop group that has yet to make a splash in the States, and they hooked me in with their throwback tunes, specifically those on their EP, You Want Beauty, all written from the point of view of characters from 80s movies. But as of this posting, the group has switched record labels, which has led to a repurposed EP called Bad Love that is the only available piece of work now available on Spotify.

4. Roxane Gay - You haven't read her brilliant collection of pop culture essays in Bad Feminist yet? Or her collection of short stories in Difficult Women? Or her painfully raw memoir, Hunger? What are you doing with you life?

5. Dave Holmes - I read his so-relatable-it's-scary memoir, Party of One, two years ago and started listening to his podcast, Homophilia (co-hosted by the equally enjoyable Matt McConkey) last year. And I can't get enough of his insightful, witty, intelligent pop culture thinkpieces at Esquire. In short, I envy Dave Holmes, and I would like his career. Please.

6. Lucas Hedges - I wholeheartedly appreciate and respect a young up-and-coming actor who avoids taking a role on any given CW or Freeform show and opts instead for meaty, award-worthy indie fare.

7. Sideshow Books in L.A. - This small independent bookshop was previously located on Idaho Avenue on the Westside (around the corner from the Nuart Theatre). And when it closed in 2017, I was crushed, thinking it was another nail in the coffin of indie booksellers. But luckily, on one fateful Sunday afternoon, I drove down La Cienega and caught a nondescript sign that read BOOKS in painted letters. I pulled over, walked in, and discovered a new personal haven.

8. Queer Eye's Fab Five - The reboot of the makeover series has successfully recontextualized its format for a post-marriage equality era in America, thanks to the charisma of its lifestyle gurus, Antoni Porowski, Karamo Brown, Jonathan Van Ness, Tan France, and Bobby Berk. Taking the boys out of major metropolitan areas (i.e. NYC) and putting them in the small towns of the South certainly helped. And they helped me feel hopeful again for the future of this country.

@TheFirstEcho

Lori Loughlin Reunites with Daughter Olivia Jade: A Dramatization

The following is purely speculative for the purposes of our general entertainment and my possible employment to write the inevitable HBO/...