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Showing posts from December, 2007

When in New York...

December 21, 2007:

If you were to catch me hopping onto the 6 train in the Bronx the other day, you would have thought I was smuggling under my arm a box containing a particular brand of sex toy. True, the words "fantasy" and "pleasure" were printed across its packaging. And true, the lettering was done in a sizzling font with a picture of a half-naked woman posing in the red background.

As many of you would love to believe otherwise, this was not an item I was packing to prepare myself for one helluva hedonistic time in downtown Manhattan. It was merely a part of my Christmas gift to Billy, a vibrating head massager imported from Hollywood. I thought the six-pronged tool could be useful on his clients during therapy sessions.



December 22, 2007:

"It's a little fucking crowded, sir. Have a happy holiday!"

- Woman maneuvering her way out of a packed subway at 23rd Street in response to an impatient man trying to squeeze in the same car: "Lady, what'…

Ho Ho Huh?

2007: REWIND

One could say 2007 was the Year of the Rehab. Britney tried it, Lindsay lived it, and Amy Winehouse gloriously sang about it (and eventually lived it as well).

We lost Anna Nicole. Imus was booted. The Sopranos went out...with an onion ring. The Cohens traded in The OC for Berkeley. Paris was freed. Whoopi became the new Rosie. Zanessa became the new Brangelina. Senator Craig learned to never enter airport restrooms again. Barack Obama learned how to ride on the shoulders of a certain book-club-loving talk-show titan. Southern California burned down. The Writers Guild of America burned up. And while Jamie Lynn Spears got knocked up, Jodie Foster finally came out of the closet (or panic room - whatever pun you prefer).

One could also say 2007 felt a lot like 1997: The Spice Girls went on tour, the Backstreet Boys dropped a new album, and Mulder and Scully teamed up once again for a second X-Files movie (out next summer). 2007 was officially Britney's messiest year to date as well; w…

The Sounds of '08

I feel it is my duty to prep all of you for what is to come in 2008. Allow me to predict the next big singles of the new year that shall dominate the airwaves once the hectic holiday season dies down. Consider it a cheat sheet to use while you're burning off the eggnog and cookies at the gym come January. Brush up, kids:



1. "Feedback" by Janet Jackson > Hotness squared. Miss Jackson delivers on this promising, albeit overproduced, kickoff single from her tenth album, Discipline, in stores this spring. Smell that? Should be a definite comeback.



2. "Outta My Head" by Ashlee Simpson > Timbaland officially sells out and lays it down for Ashlee's first single off of her third studio album. 80s dance-punk has never sounded so contrived.



3. "Bleeding Love" by Leona Lewis > Her debut album hits stores in March (she's already huge in the UK), and she's been called the next Mariah or Whitney (y'know, when they could actually sing).



4. "…

They're Everywhere

This morning, while toweling off in the locker room at the 24-Hour Fitness on Pico Boulevard, I overheard two buddies exchanging pleasantries on a bench. Apparently the two men hadn't seen each other for some time.

Guy #1: What have you been up to?

Guy #2: Putting my life back together, y'know?

Guy #1: Really?

Guy #2: Yeah, I've discovered this new philosophy - Scientology. It really puts things in perspective. I've learned to let go of my anger.

Guy #1: Um, good for you.

Guy #2: It's a beautiful philopsophy. It's really opened my eyes and helped me get my life back on track. You should hear what they have to say.

Guy #1 (rushing to pack his duffel bag and get the hell out of there): Great.