Enough with the Basic Halloween Costumes: Men's Edition
While most women get criticized for their choices in Halloween attire (sexy kitten, sexy mouse, sexy Freddy Krueger, and this year's most basic, most predictable choice: the inherently sexy Harley Quinn from Suicide Squad), men tend to glide by without anyone batting a carefully applied fake eyelash. But men are just as guilty when it comes to picking a basic costume that they think will get them lucky when the night is over.
And after living through 14 Halloweens in Los Angeles and witnessing the parade of guys, both straight and gay, who strut their stuff on Santa Monica Boulevard on October 31, I have come to the conclusion that there are several costumes that need to be retired (10 in fact). The utter lack of creativity can be astounding sometimes, and someone needs to tell the men of America to step it up a notch in the Imagination Department.
These are the costumes that most guys have tried at least once in their lifetime, and they don't need be worn again. Ever. If you or someone you care about is planning to wear one of the following, do them a favor and intervene. The world and I will thank you for it.
1. A Spartan from 300 - This...is...a costume based on a popular movie from 9 years ago! Congrats on hitting the gym every day and getting those abs to pop, but get over it. There are other inventive ways to prove how much protein you've been packing away since summer ended.
2. A Cop - There's a warrant issued for your arrest. The charges: subjecting Halloween partygoers to your lazy and unimaginative costume. Go ahead, slap those handcuffs on yourself, and throw away the key.
3. Maverick from Top Gun - Wow, you've been recycling what is basically a glorified onesie for several years now. You're a shapeless tool wearing a color that does nothing for your complexion. And wearing those aviator shades at night will do nothing to help your poor vision after downing severals shots of tequila and Jaeger next to the voluptuous French maid (or muscular ninja) you've been eyeing since you entered the bar/party.
4. Sexy Priest - Go straight to church and confess your sins for wearing this horrifically basic costume that screams, "I made no effort this year. I have no imagination."
5. Clark Kent / Superman - This is what happens when you assume chicks dig a guy in glasses with well-developed chests. But what this really is: you wearing a cheap suit with an unbuttoned white shirt revealing the tee you've slept in every night since college.
6. Captain Jack Sparrow (or any pirate) - Wanting to be like Johnny Depp is so 2003. And after all the tabloidy drama he's been through recently, no one wants to be him anymore. Do yourself a solid, retire this look, and save the guyliner for something hotter.
7. A Nerd - This costume is an insult to all genuine nerds out there (and general outcasts in geekdom), and it's a cultural appropriation that usually gets overlooked. It's as if you repeatedly watched Revenge of the Nerds -- a dated reference if there ever was one -- one too many times. And clearly you're trying to be ironic because your well-chiseled torso says the only books you've been hitting are the ones you use to lift as weights.
8. A Baby - Give me a break. You're a grown-ass man. Even though you may act like a man-child throughout the rest of the year, it doesn't give you license to dress like one on Halloween.
9. Football/Baseball/Basketball Player - You deserve to be tackled or pummeled if you're going to just throw on a team jersey and call it a day.
10. Dracula - Last but certainly not least, we have the Granddaddy of Bloodsuckers. Sure, you may argue that this is a classic, a timeless go-to costume, but chances are, you're going to run into at least five more guys wearing the same thing (and they'll probably look better than you). Get a clue.
A BONUS BASIC: David Wooderson from Dazed & Confused - To those dudes who idolize Matthew McConaughey, who can't stop referring to a movie that came out 23 years ago, and who will risk donning a tight tee and even tighter pants to show how awesomely douchey they are...NO.