Skip to main content


20 Things I've Learned About Living in L.A. (Thus Far)

I thought I'd save this for next year's anniversary blog celebrating 10 years of living in the City of Angels, but why wait? I'm sure I'll stumble upon other discoveries before next summer rolls around. Here are twenty little nuggets I thought I'd share in the meantime (are there any I'm missing?).

1. Arclight Cinemas = Best. Popcorn. Ever.

2. Friends in other cities may gather together for movie nights and board game nights. Here, they gather together for award nominee screener nights and my-friend's-guest-starring-on-CSI nights.

3. Attractive, scantily-clad joggers should not be allowed to stretch and stand on the sidewalks of busy intersections; it's a driving hazard. And just not right.

4. When in doubt, take Fountain Avenue (or Olympic).

5. When the invite says 8pm, arrive at 9pm. Or, depending on the host, don't show up at all.

6. Some casting directors are jaded, former actors with a penchant for pot-smoking, obsessing over the shenanigans of Bravo reality-TV stars, and dating those who qualify as "10s."

7. Anyone who's ever tried to adamantly defend living in the Valley most likely considers "a wild night out" to include a cocktail at The Americana before 8pm, followed by sushi and karaoke somewhere along Ventura Boulevard and an Evian nightcap on the couch in front the latest Saturday Night Live.

Courtesy of MyParkingSign.com
8. 2004: "Don't date the 818." 2011: "Nothing's fine about the 909." (Sorry, K.S.)

9. Valet can be avoided 90% of the time.

10. Yellow curbs are a godsend when looking for a parking space after 6pm.

11. The homeless beggar stationed at the 405 Freeway exit ramp on Santa Monica Boulevard earns more than I do in one day. I have no doubt.

12. Larchmont Village is the new Brentwood.

13. Abbot Kinney is the new Melrose.

14. The Sunset Junction street festival is an excuse for anti-WeHo gays to break out the assless chaps and for Silverlake hipsters to celebrate each other's ironic awesomeness.

15. The Grilled Cheese Truck and Umami Burger are conspiring against me in an attempt to sabotage my waistline.

16. The following is not always true: The longer the wait for a table, the better the brunch experience.

17. Downtown is where East Coast transplants attempt to recapture better days and fool themselves into thinking they live in lower Manhattan.

18. Soap actors love making appearances at The Griddle Cafe on Sunset (whether or not they consume the calories in those ginormous pancakes is irrelevant).

19. The four seasons of Los Angeles are as follows: Awards, Wildfire, Earthquake, and Pilot.

20. Celebrities - they're just like us. Except they get stuff for free (even though they earn 100 times more than us), pay people to polish their reputations, and come with truckloads of insecurities.

H.P.M.

Comments

Anonymous said…
all true.

Popular posts from this blog


13 Things You Probably Didn't Know About 'The Golden Girls'

When one nostalgically binges on all seven seasons of The Golden Girls like me (I swear I have a life), you pick up on a few things. Certain patterns appear as you continuously witness the consumption of countless cheesecakes inside a fictitious Miami kitchen and hear one St. Olaf story too many.

Here's what I noticed after playing my DVDs of this 80s classic over the past several months (and if you're already familiar with the following factoids, excuse me for underestimating your fanaticism)...

1. Actor Harold Gould, who played Rose's long-term boyfriend Miles Webber from Season 5 to Season 7 (and throughout most of the short-lived spinoff, The Golden Palace), also appears in the first season as Arnie Peterson, Rose's first serious beau after her husband's death.

2. The same can be said for Sid Melton, who played Sophia's deceased husband Sal (in flashbacks and dream sequences). He also appears in a Season 6 episode as a jester in a medieval-themed restauran…

Dream Casting the New "Death on the Nile"

Earlier this year, when the trailer for the most recent Murder on the Orient Express remake was dropped, I was hoping that someone at 20th Century Fox would have the foresight to concoct an Agatha Christie Cinematic Universe. After all, this is the world we now live in -- where every property coveted by a major studio must have the potential to be milked for all it's worth. Plus, as a former child raised by an Agatha Christie fan, I am somewhat familiar with this world, and experiencing new renditions of these titles as an adult is exciting.

And now that Kenneth Branagh's version of the Hercule Poirot mystery has been released (and raking in $150 million-and-counting worldwide), it seems like my prayers are being answered. The studio is going ahead with a "sequel" in the form of a remake of Death on the Nile, another death-filled destination about the Belgian detective taking a river cruise in Egypt and coming across another corpse and another group of suspects.

The…

Lori Loughlin Reunites with Daughter Olivia Jade: A Dramatization

The following is purely speculative for the purposes of our general entertainment and my possible employment to write the inevitable HBO/Hulu/Netflix/Ryan Murphy limited series...



EXT. THE MOSSIMO ESTATE - DAY

A black SUV makes its way through a throng of news vans and a mob of reporters. Cameras flash. A proverbial media circus. The SUV pulls up to the gate as it slowly opens.


EXT. THE MOSSIMO COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS

The SUV makes its way up the driveway and stops. A shaken LORI steps out of the car. She's clearly had a rough night and glances up at the house, preparing herself for what's to come. Her assistant, RILEY, 27, an overly groomed twunk running on three Venti lattes, is right there with her. 

He attempts to guide her to the door, but she waves him away.


INT. THE MOSSIMO ESTATE - FOYER

Lori and Riley enter the quiet house, the outside chaos suddenly muted. No one is there to greet them.


RILEY She should be upstairs in her room.
LORI And Isabella?
Riley solemnly shakes his head.
Lo…