Skip to main content


WHO IS THE LOS ANGELES ARSONIST?

As some of you may have seen in the news, a serial arsonist has been terrorizing the city of Los Angeles, particularly in the neighborhoods of West Hollywood. While this is truly a horrible chain of events (53 fires!), it's hard to believe that this is the job of one person. Although a suspect has been apprehended, a 24-year-old Canadian dude named Harry Burkhart (below) who's been pissed about his mom's deportation to Germany, I can't help but wonder if others were involved in setting this city ablaze.

Hence my own list of suspects...because you never know.

Suspect #1: Disgruntled Starbucks Barista - He's served thousands of lattes to unappreciative Angelenos, is mad as hell, and he's not gonna take it anymore!

Suspect #2: Lindsay Lohan - Because she's doing research for the role she wishes to covet in the Firestarter reboot.

Suspect #3: Michael Bay's Pyrotechnician - He was pissed when he found out he wasn't hired for Transformers 4.

Suspect #4: Some Guy Who Really Hates Driving - In an attempt to demonstrate how dependent we've all become on our cars, he sees himself as a revolutionary, torching - in his words - "the machines that have shaped every aspect of this metropolis and turned us all into commuting zombies."

Suspect #5: The "Rosas" Lady - Usually seen soliciting drinkers at The Abbey, she finally lost her patience with the superficial and indifferent crowds and...snapped. Notice how absent she's been lately on Santa Monica Boulevard. Just sayin'.

Suspect #6: Satan - Los Angeles has always been perceived as a modern-day Sodom (or Gomorrah), and the Devil Himself would like to make that a reality and literally turn L.A. into the City of Demons.

Suspect #7: Squirrels - Their resilience is stronger than ever, and their plan to take over the city is finally coming together. All those years sharpening their teeth on acorns was really just a way to build up their stamina when gnawing through electrical wires.

Any witnesses who would like to come forward and point a finger at the perpetrator(s) in a lineup are welcome to do so.

H.P.M.

Comments

Swaga's British cousin said…
This made me laugh! My vote's on Michael Bay's pyrotechnician. :)

Popular posts from this blog

The Class of '98 Turns 40

We are the Class of '98.

We're a little too old to be Millennials, yet too young to be GenXers. As of now, half of our lives has lived in one century while the other half lives and moves forward in another.

For us, Cabbage Patch Dolls were the 80s, Tamagotchi was the 90s, and Napster was the dawn of the 00s. We grew up with cassette tapes and Saturday morning cartoons. We came of age with CGI dinosaurs and the rise of the Frappucino. And we approach middle age with memes, reboots, and viral videos all designed to distract us from middle age.

We were too young to fully understand the words "Challenger explosion." We were too young to appreciate the fall of the Berlin Wall. But by the time places like Waco, Oklahoma City, and Littleton pinged on everyone's radar, we started to grasp how scary the world could be.

Our adolescence was defined by jagged little pills, prescriptions from Dr. Dre, and the fact that some of us were naughty by nature. We learned that nirva…


13 Things You Probably Didn't Know About 'The Golden Girls'

When one nostalgically binges on all seven seasons of The Golden Girls like me (I swear I have a life), you pick up on a few things. Certain patterns appear as you continuously witness the consumption of countless cheesecakes inside a fictitious Miami kitchen and hear one St. Olaf story too many.

Here's what I noticed after playing my DVDs of this 80s classic over the past several months (and if you're already familiar with the following factoids, excuse me for underestimating your fanaticism)...

1. Actor Harold Gould, who played Rose's long-term boyfriend Miles Webber from Season 5 to Season 7 (and throughout most of the short-lived spinoff, The Golden Palace), also appears in the first season as Arnie Peterson, Rose's first serious beau after her husband's death.

2. The same can be said for Sid Melton, who played Sophia's deceased husband Sal (in flashbacks and dream sequences). He also appears in a Season 6 episode as a jester in a medieval-themed restauran…

Just Because: 9 Music Videos That Take Place in Laundromats

It's one of the biggest music video tropes that's rarely explored in pop culture.

The public laundromat has become a go-to location for artists when making a music video for a single they wish to sell to the masses.

But WHAT IS IT about a space where ragtag groups of strangers gather to fluff and fold their delicates? Is it the obvious metaphor of dirty versus clean? The scintillating possibility of people stripping off their clothes for a wash?

I was feeling a little nostalgic (as usual) and took a look at some of the vids that have fallen under the spell of spin cycles over the past 30 years...

"EVERY HEARTBEAT" / AMY GRANT (1991)

Back in the early 90s, the Christian pop tart followed up her massively successful "Baby Baby" with "Every Heartbeat," a personal childhood favorite of yours truly (the Body & Soul Mix, of course). In one of the two vignettes featured in the video, a laundry-toting hottie attempts to flirt with a young woman who re…