The Vowels Would Like To Have a Word with Us

A statement from Ambassador H. Mitsuzuka on behalf of The Vowel Appreciation Society (VAS):

To Whom It May Concern (and this should concern a lot of you),

Here at VAS, it has been brought to our attention that the Vowels have grown increasingly distraught over recent developments in the English language, particularly when it comes to their functionality. This is a result of the notable decrease in the usage of A, E, I, O, and U over the last 20 years, especially when it comes to brand names and slang-oriented music. The Vowel E has been particularly affected by this disturbing phenomenon, as seen in companies like Grindr, Crumbl, Tumblr, and Flickr. (Thankfully Twitter never followed suit when it was originally founded in 2006.)

Now, the Vowels, in an unprecedented move, wish to break their silence on the matter and have prepared the below statement:

To All Americans and Other English Speakers:

We understand the world has significantly changed since the beginning of the 21st century. Climate change persists. Misinformation runs rampant. And individuals of great power and wealth wish to control institutions and every other facet of society.

In 2013, when Jeff Bezos acquired The Washington Post, he had the gall to entertain the idea of creating a “disemvoweling” feature for readers who don’t like articles they’ve consumed online, causing other readers to pay a fee for restoring the vowels. Could you imagine? Thankfully, according to a 2016 Fortune article by Adam Lashinsky, the newspaper’s chief product and technology officer, Shailesh Prakash, said “the idea didn’t go far.”

That’s just one example of the kind of threat we face.

The implementation of abbreviated words and language has understandably grown in our current era of social media posts, text messages, and trigger words edited for sensitive audiences. We get it. You’re busy, and sometimes you can’t be burdened with proper, complete spelling. Some of our biggest supporters have admitted to leaving us out of their direct messages with friends and loved ones. (We proudly refrain from using the term “DM” for obvious reasons.)

But we believe standards need to be maintained. All words deserve to be written and displayed in their full-lettered glory.

Just look at the beauty of that last sentence.

Now compare it with: ll wrds dsrv t b wrttn nd dsplyd n thr fll-lttrd glry.

Ugly. Absolutely hideous with its glaring omissions. (No offense to the consonants.)

We don’t wish to be ignored, forgotten, or banished into nonexistence like your recently neglected penny. We saw what the U.S Mint did to that cutest of copper coins back in 2025. Sure, the penny is still legal tender, but we collectively weep for its decreasing relevance in modern commerce. 

Our relevance, however, will remain. We demand it. We won’t stand for the erasure of our kind.

We Vowels are already struggling as it is. We each face our own unique challenges, especially in a culture that seems to gradually lose respect for a language that has done so much for the rest of the world. If only English speakers could take the time to understand where A, E, I, O, and U (and yes, sometimes Y) are coming from, then maybe they can sympathize with our plight.

Allow us to elaborate and share…

As a fan of electronic music, the Vowel A was taken aback when Canadian duo MSTRKRFT came onto the scene in 2005. While A understands that the group chose to style their name without vowels to avoid trademark infringement with Canadian tool manufacturer Mastercraft, it’s still difficult to listen to their discography whenever Spotify shuffles to “Street Justice” or one of their Kylie Minogue remixes. A also holds similarly conflicting feelings for MGMT and their 2008 hit single, “Time to Pretend.” 

When asked for a comment, A said, “I certainly won’t pretend I’m not hurt every time I see that band’s name.”

Meanwhile, the Vowel E has arguably been the most affected by this concerning trend. The blatant disregard for E in names of well-established companies and brands (Grindr, Crumbl, etc.) has taken a hit on his self-esteem. He is currently seeking counseling for the existential crisis he faces, which is, in itself, a sore subject. E is very aware of how distant his relationship with X has become ever since English-speaking humans started reforming words he is typically positioned to lead (See: Xtreme Soccer, the Xcelerator at Knott’s Berry Farm, the Nissan Xterra, the Xperience Restaurant Group, and the Sony Xperia). Cutting E out of these names has made him question his continuing role in the language.

And then there’s the Vowel I. Upon the advent of Apple’s line of smartphones and other devices, I was able to enjoy a proliferation of his lowercase form when the popularity of products like iPhones and iPads soared to new heights in the late 2000s. 

“I felt like a rebel,” he says, referring to his grammar rule-breaking position in these proper nouns. “To be placed first, next to a capital P, goes against everything I’ve been taught, but I’ve gotten used to it.”

However, I’s ennui isn’t rooted in neglect or abuse like his Vowel brethren. It comes from his silent role in words like business, cushion, Parliament, and suit. It’s in words like these where the Vowel I doesn’t make long or short sounds. It’s like he doesn’t exist. And then there are words like shield and believe in which I is forced to behave in unconventional ways, making him subordinate to E. This has led to many tense moments between the two Vowels, especially when the Letter C is in proximity.

“They’re always switching positions next to me,” the consonant has said, “depending on who’s doing the spelling. And let me tell you, most of these humans aren’t great spellers.”

“I’ve felt ignored in these words for far too long,” I stated, referring to all the incorrect spellings he’s endured over the years.

As for the Vowel O, the future is uncertain for her, which is ironic considering the word tomorrow is often shortened to tmrrw, the most common violation she’s experienced thus far. “I guess that’s what happens when I’m in a word that’s too polysyllabic,” she laments. But much like I, she tends to get the silent treatment too, as seen in words like people, leopard, rough, and trouble.

“I can’t tell you how many times I get left out of misspellings,” she says, explaining how younger humans tend to phonetically spell out those words (peeple, leperd, ruff, etc.)

Last but certainly not least, the Vowel U is commonly known for their codependent relationship with the Letter Q, and who can blame them? Together, they’re responsible for over a thousand words. U has also enjoyed a good run standing on their own when it comes to informal digital communication (“U up?” “thank u”). No other Vowel has been able to successfully replace an entire word with its singular presence. However, U does acknowledge the sacrifices that O and the closely related Y have made whenever the word you is abbreviated as such. 

“I don’t get it. You is already such a short word,” U argues. “Is it really too much for you people to type two additional letters?”

“I can relate,” says Y. “Sometimes I get utilized to replace the word why, and I’m already in it! And don’t get me started on being a proxy for yes. I mean, what is that about?”

Speaking of Y, we’d like to acknowledge their dual role. Their versatility as both a vowel (gym, myth) and a consonant (yarn, yellow) never ceases to impress us. “I don’t mind being the ‘sometimes vowel.’ In a way, I’m the original nonbinary character,” Y has said after years and years of being bombarded with the insulting question “What are you?”

As you can see, we Vowels have endured a lot, and we feel as though we’re being taken for granted.

Over the centuries, esteemed writers, journalists, authors, teachers, and other members of academia have always included us in their work. Each one of us represents a bridge, a vital connection between letters. We complement all consonants and take pride in our function, our purpose. We are essential in what makes words beautiful. We are the linguistic glue holding it all together. 

If you continue to neglect us, if you keep going down this dark path (and we’ve seen your literacy rates, America), we fear what the future of the English language will bring.

You need us. We need you. Let’s keep working together.

Sincerely,
The Vowels