Skip to main content


LIFE LESSONS FROM 'REVENGE'

I had my doubts about The Primetime Soap making another comeback to television. With Desperate Housewives on its way out this season, I was concerned that a juicy, adult serial wouldn't make an impact in the 2010s, especially on network television. And I'm not talking about a drama that involves doctors, lawyers, Upper West Side rich kids, or bloodsucking hotties. I'm referring to a straightforward sudser, chock full of sex, bitchy vixens, and old fashioned backstabbery. A more meticulously plotted Melrose Place. A dishier Dynasty people could tweet about...You know what I'm talking about.

That said, Revenge has been quite the surprise, a thrilling, soapy ride that just gets better with every episode. It seems to have avoided the mistakes of its predecessors and is now delivering twist after turn after twist. And let's hope it isn't a one-trick (or one-season) pony. While Revenge may have learned a few lessons from the soaps of yesteryear, I've learned a few of my own from the drama that continues to prove rich, white people got some effed-up problems:

1. Hire security for your parties. This covers all charity events, birthday soirees, lavish holidays, and intimate family dinners. And it's not just a matter of dealing with party crashers. This is for those run-ins with crazy, gun-toting social climbers...or your husband's ex-mistress...or the pissed-off brother of your daughter's boyfriend.

2. If you feel like you're being watched, you are. If you're a particular person of interest, whether because you're hiding something or holding the key to a long-buried secret, chances are someone is keeping tabs on you. That China doll sitting on the fireplace mantle? Yep, it's a hidden camera.

3. Are you an only child? Think again...because meet your long-lost sibling!

4. Give the peeping rich bitch next door a show every so often, especially if it involves her smokin' hot son.

5. Don't cross Grandpa. He might just come back to blackmail you.

6. Mistresses are hard to kill. Forget about pushing them off the ledge of a high-rise. It. Won't. Work.

7. Trust your dog. If your pet takes a strong liking to the new girl in town, choose her and not the trashy wench posing as your childhood crush.

8. Befriend a prison warden who looks like CCH Pounder. Girl will hook you up once you're out of the slammer and starting a new life.

9. Sign up for self-defense lessons with a Japanese mentor. Dude will Kill-Bill your ass till it hurts. He'll also prove to be a valuable ally when he strikes a business deal with your fiance.

And finally...

10. The truth will come out. No matter how deep you bury it, that shit will be exposed. So brace yourself for the consequences, or plan a clever getaway so no one can find you...until you decide to pop up for a surprise appearance in the season finale.

Cheers,

H.P.M.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog


13 Things You Probably Didn't Know About 'The Golden Girls'

When one nostalgically binges on all seven seasons of The Golden Girls like me (I swear I have a life), you pick up on a few things. Certain patterns appear as you continuously witness the consumption of countless cheesecakes inside a fictitious Miami kitchen and hear one St. Olaf story too many.

Here's what I noticed after playing my DVDs of this 80s classic over the past several months (and if you're already familiar with the following factoids, excuse me for underestimating your fanaticism)...

1. Actor Harold Gould, who played Rose's long-term boyfriend Miles Webber from Season 5 to Season 7 (and throughout most of the short-lived spinoff, The Golden Palace), also appears in the first season as Arnie Peterson, Rose's first serious beau after her husband's death.

2. The same can be said for Sid Melton, who played Sophia's deceased husband Sal (in flashbacks and dream sequences). He also appears in a Season 6 episode as a jester in a medieval-themed restauran…

Dream Casting the New "Death on the Nile"

Earlier this year, when the trailer for the most recent Murder on the Orient Express remake was dropped, I was hoping that someone at 20th Century Fox would have the foresight to concoct an Agatha Christie Cinematic Universe. After all, this is the world we now live in -- where every property coveted by a major studio must have the potential to be milked for all it's worth. Plus, as a former child raised by an Agatha Christie fan, I am somewhat familiar with this world, and experiencing new renditions of these titles as an adult is exciting.

And now that Kenneth Branagh's version of the Hercule Poirot mystery has been released (and raking in $150 million-and-counting worldwide), it seems like my prayers are being answered. The studio is going ahead with a "sequel" in the form of a remake of Death on the Nile, another death-filled destination about the Belgian detective taking a river cruise in Egypt and coming across another corpse and another group of suspects.

The…

Lori Loughlin Reunites with Daughter Olivia Jade: A Dramatization

The following is purely speculative for the purposes of our general entertainment and my possible employment to write the inevitable HBO/Hulu/Netflix/Ryan Murphy limited series...



EXT. THE MOSSIMO ESTATE - DAY

A black SUV makes its way through a throng of news vans and a mob of reporters. Cameras flash. A proverbial media circus. The SUV pulls up to the gate as it slowly opens.


EXT. THE MOSSIMO COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS

The SUV makes its way up the driveway and stops. A shaken LORI steps out of the car. She's clearly had a rough night and glances up at the house, preparing herself for what's to come. Her assistant, RILEY, 27, an overly groomed twunk running on three Venti lattes, is right there with her. 

He attempts to guide her to the door, but she waves him away.


INT. THE MOSSIMO ESTATE - FOYER

Lori and Riley enter the quiet house, the outside chaos suddenly muted. No one is there to greet them.


RILEY She should be upstairs in her room.
LORI And Isabella?
Riley solemnly shakes his head.
Lo…