Skip to main content

Pop Culture Rant of the Week

Dear E! Networks: It's nice to see you investing in British girl group The Saturdays (see: Chasing the Saturdays, premiering this winter). I didn't realize America time-traveled back to 2008 -- y'know, when they dropped their debut album. Granted, it was in the UK, but still, the Brits must be getting a kick out of watching us Yanks jump on a bandwagon half a decade old.

NBC's Deception is a shining example of what's wrong with most of network television. I can buy Victor Garber playing Tate Donovan's father as much as I can buy Mariah Carey wanting to be on American Idol.

Jurassic Park 4 will be hitting theaters on June 13, 2014, 21 years after the original. If Christopher Nolan gets tapped to direct this, expect morally ambiguous dinosaurs, a Hans Zimmer rendition of John Williams's majestic score, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as an ambitious archaeologist who suffers from visions of his dead wife.

Destiny's Child released a new single called "Nuclear," produced by Pharrell Williams. Strangely, it has nothing to do with the arms race with North Korea and Russia, but it does sound like a whole lotta 1993 was crammed up in this joint. And that ain't such a bad thing.

Justin Timberlake announces his comeback to music. Anyone who can clearly remember 2002 is now at risk of spontaneously combusting.

Britney Spears isn't coming back to The X Factor, and she broke up with Jason Trawick. In related news, I had a nice bowel movement this morning.

I need the new Ke$ha video like I need a third nipple on my elbow.

Flu update: I watched a video of a man sneezing on a New York City subway. According to a CNN segment called "Anatomy of a Sneeze," 40,000 droplets are released in one blow. If you need me, you can find me in my airtight bubble surrounded by bottles of hand sanitizer inside my apartment.

If Pitch Perfect 2 is officially greenlit by Universal, I'd like to petition for the subtitle to be called Aca-Boogaloo.



Popular posts from this blog

13 Things You Probably Didn't Know About 'The Golden Girls'

When one nostalgically binges on all seven seasons of The Golden Girls like me (I swear I have a life), you pick up on a few things. Certain patterns appear as you continuously witness the consumption of countless cheesecakes inside a fictitious Miami kitchen and hear one St. Olaf story too many.

Here's what I noticed after playing my DVDs of this 80s classic over the past several months (and if you're already familiar with the following factoids, excuse me for underestimating your fanaticism)...

1. Actor Harold Gould, who played Rose's long-term boyfriend Miles Webber from Season 5 to Season 7 (and throughout most of the short-lived spinoff, The Golden Palace), also appears in the first season as Arnie Peterson, Rose's first serious beau after her husband's death.

2. The same can be said for Sid Melton, who played Sophia's deceased husband Sal (in flashbacks and dream sequences). He also appears in a Season 6 episode as a jester in a medieval-themed restauran…

Dream Casting the New "Death on the Nile"

Earlier this year, when the trailer for the most recent Murder on the Orient Express remake was dropped, I was hoping that someone at 20th Century Fox would have the foresight to concoct an Agatha Christie Cinematic Universe. After all, this is the world we now live in -- where every property coveted by a major studio must have the potential to be milked for all it's worth. Plus, as a former child raised by an Agatha Christie fan, I am somewhat familiar with this world, and experiencing new renditions of these titles as an adult is exciting.

And now that Kenneth Branagh's version of the Hercule Poirot mystery has been released (and raking in $150 million-and-counting worldwide), it seems like my prayers are being answered. The studio is going ahead with a "sequel" in the form of a remake of Death on the Nile, another death-filled destination about the Belgian detective taking a river cruise in Egypt and coming across another corpse and another group of suspects.


Lori Loughlin Reunites with Daughter Olivia Jade: A Dramatization

The following is purely speculative for the purposes of our general entertainment and my possible employment to write the inevitable HBO/Hulu/Netflix/Ryan Murphy limited series...


A black SUV makes its way through a throng of news vans and a mob of reporters. Cameras flash. A proverbial media circus. The SUV pulls up to the gate as it slowly opens.


The SUV makes its way up the driveway and stops. A shaken LORI steps out of the car. She's clearly had a rough night and glances up at the house, preparing herself for what's to come. Her assistant, RILEY, 27, an overly groomed twunk running on three Venti lattes, is right there with her. 

He attempts to guide her to the door, but she waves him away.


Lori and Riley enter the quiet house, the outside chaos suddenly muted. No one is there to greet them.

RILEY She should be upstairs in her room.
LORI And Isabella?
Riley solemnly shakes his head.