Skip to main content

13 Thoughts on the New 'Friday the 13th' TV Series

With the recent announcement of the Friday the 13th franchise being revived once again -- this time as a new TV series (unlike that craptacular Jasonless anthology from 25 years ago) -- naturally, I have my opinions, especially since I consider myself a fan of the Camp Crystal Lake mythology (you can read about it here). Ahem...

1. I call this recent development The Bates Motel Effect. Somewhere some writer thought, "Hey, if it worked with Psycho..." That said, I wouldn't be surprised if a cable network picked this up and gave it a more inviting, all-encompassing name like Crystal Lake, especially if the show is to explore the "eclectic characters" who populate the small town.

2. News reports say that this series will feature unstoppable killing machine Jason Voorhees in "multiple time periods." Translation: flashbacks (a la Lost) will undoubtedly come into play. Personally, I'd love to see Jason slash his way through the 80s again.

3. Amy Steel and other F13 heroines of the past MUST have cameos in future episodes.

4. Another cameo thought: Betsy Palmer. She's still alive, right?

5. This cannot be produced for a regular broadcast network. It belongs on cable with a fitting 13-episode first-season order.

6. Back to the flashbacks: I'm sure we'll see more of Jason's relationship with his mommy before that fateful drowning. Again, The Bates Motel Effect.

7. That said, please let the casting be somewhat believable. I don't want a new batch of wannabe CW stars populating this Crystal Lake. It's supposed to be a hicktown, not some ground zero for Abercrombie models and duck-lipped selfie-obsessed sluts.

8. Attention network execs, whoever you will be: I'd love to work on the marketing campaign for this show (see my new job title and employer in the sidebar of this page). I could come up with some killer taglines.

9. Producers, please hire this guy as your story consultant:

10. I'm also available for consulting purposes.

11. I'm already mentally planning a themed viewing party. Refreshments shall include hockey masked-shaped sugar cookies and blood punch.

12. I now have Harry Manfredini's classic score stuck in my head.

13. In conclusion: Don't f**k this up, TV people.

Thank you.



Popular posts from this blog

The Class of '98 Turns 40

We are the Class of '98. We're a little too old to be Millennials, yet too young to be GenXers. As of now, half of our lives has lived in one century while the other half lives and moves forward in another. For us, Cabbage Patch Dolls were the 80s, Tamagotchi was the 90s, and Napster was the dawn of the 00s. We grew up with cassette tapes and Saturday morning cartoons. We came of age with CGI dinosaurs and the rise of the Frappucino. And we approach middle age with memes, reboots, and viral videos all designed to distract us from middle age. We were too young to fully understand the words "Challenger explosion." We were too young to appreciate the fall of the Berlin Wall. But by the time places like Waco, Oklahoma City, and Littleton pinged on everyone's radar, we started to grasp how scary the world could be. Our adolescence was defined by jagged little pills, prescriptions from Dr. Dre, and the fact that some of us were naughty by nature. We learned t

13 Things You Probably Didn't Know About 'The Golden Girls'

When one nostalgically binges on all seven seasons of The Golden Girls like me (I swear I have a life), you pick up on a few things. Certain patterns appear as you continuously witness the consumption of countless cheesecakes inside a fictitious Miami kitchen and hear one St. Olaf story too many. Here's what I noticed after playing my DVDs of this 80s classic over the past several months ( and if you're already familiar with the following factoids, excuse me for underestimating your fanaticism )... 1. Actor Harold Gould, who played Rose's long-term boyfriend Miles Webber from Season 5 to Season 7 (and throughout most of the short-lived spinoff,  The Golden Palace ), also appears in the first season as Arnie Peterson, Rose's first serious beau after her husband's death. 2. The same can be said for Sid Melton, who played Sophia's deceased husband Sal (in flashbacks and dream sequences). He also appears in a Season 6 episode as a jester in a medieval-

Just Because: 9 Music Videos That Take Place in Laundromats

It's one of the biggest music video tropes that's rarely explored in pop culture. The public laundromat has become a go-to location for artists when making a music video for a single they wish to sell to the masses. But WHAT IS IT about a space where ragtag groups of strangers gather to fluff and fold their delicates? Is it the obvious metaphor of dirty versus clean? The scintillating possibility of people stripping off their clothes for a wash? I was feeling a little nostalgic (as usual) and took a look at some of the vids that have fallen under the spell of spin cycles over the past 30 years... "EVERY HEARTBEAT" / AMY GRANT (1991) Back in the early 90s, the Christian pop tart followed up her massively successful "Baby Baby" with "Every Heartbeat," a personal childhood favorite of yours truly  (the Body & Soul Mix, of course). In one of the two vignettes featured in the video, a laundry-toting hottie attempts to flirt with a young