13 Thoughts on the New 'Friday the 13th' TV Series

With the recent announcement of the Friday the 13th franchise being revived once again -- this time as a new TV series (unlike that craptacular Jasonless anthology from 25 years ago) -- naturally, I have my opinions, especially since I consider myself a fan of the Camp Crystal Lake mythology (you can read about it here). Ahem...

1. I call this recent development The Bates Motel Effect. Somewhere some writer thought, "Hey, if it worked with Psycho..." That said, I wouldn't be surprised if a cable network picked this up and gave it a more inviting, all-encompassing name like Crystal Lake, especially if the show is to explore the "eclectic characters" who populate the small town.

2. News reports say that this series will feature unstoppable killing machine Jason Voorhees in "multiple time periods." Translation: flashbacks (a la Lost) will undoubtedly come into play. Personally, I'd love to see Jason slash his way through the 80s again.

3. Amy Steel and other F13 heroines of the past MUST have cameos in future episodes.

4. Another cameo thought: Betsy Palmer. She's still alive, right?

5. This cannot be produced for a regular broadcast network. It belongs on cable with a fitting 13-episode first-season order.

6. Back to the flashbacks: I'm sure we'll see more of Jason's relationship with his mommy before that fateful drowning. Again, The Bates Motel Effect.

7. That said, please let the casting be somewhat believable. I don't want a new batch of wannabe CW stars populating this Crystal Lake. It's supposed to be a hicktown, not some ground zero for Abercrombie models and duck-lipped selfie-obsessed sluts.

8. Attention network execs, whoever you will be: I'd love to work on the marketing campaign for this show (see my new job title and employer in the sidebar of this page). I could come up with some killer taglines.

9. Producers, please hire this guy as your story consultant:

10. I'm also available for consulting purposes.

11. I'm already mentally planning a themed viewing party. Refreshments shall include hockey masked-shaped sugar cookies and blood punch.

12. I now have Harry Manfredini's classic score stuck in my head.

13. In conclusion: Don't f**k this up, TV people.

Thank you.



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