Therefore I've come up with another list of lessons the City of Angels has taught me throughout the past decade (you may remember my first list from last October). Some are obvious, some are surprising, and some I shall hold dear for the rest of my life...
1. Palm Springs is where older "confirmed bachelors" and married retirees go to die. But before that, they drink lots of Bloody Marys and enjoy an occasional round of antique window shopping.
2. The Hollywood Bowl is the place to be...spotted by a dozen people you haven't seen in months or acquaintances you've been meaning to unfriend on Facebook.
3. A girl who claims that she's "a gay man trapped in a woman's body" or "must have been a gay man in a past life" is just covering up the fact that she's a slut. A drunk slut (*I'm sure this applies to most cosmopolitan areas across the nation).
4. Once in a while you find yourself asking the inevitable question: What the hell goes on inside the behemoth that is the Pacific Design Center?
5. Flip-flops are forever.
6. If the boss is a hot-tempered douchebag of a prick, then most likely, so is his assistant (*similar to the old adage that says dog owners usually resemble their pets).
7. Befriend guild members, for they shall be your free ticket to movie screeners and other goodies.
8. While road trippin' it to Vegas, do not stop for gas in Primm, Nevada. Just...don't.
8a. Speaking of which, what really stays in Vegas is the $200 you had saved for the blackjack tables...and the beer and nachos you threw up outside that strip joint by the 7-Eleven.
9. Desperate Housewives creator Marc Cherry is really good at playing charades.
10. Amoeba Music will always smell like vinyl, unshampooed hair, and incense.
11. Whole Foods is a great place to compare piercings or tattoos with your friendly checkout cashier.
12. It's not who you know,
13. Anything below 70 degrees is indeed frigid.
14. Accept the inevitability that your inbox will be inundated with invitations to attend a friend's a) comedy show b) improv showcase c) gallery exhibit d) film screening e) birthday fundraiser f) cocktail mixer g) holiday toy drive h) piano recital or... i) poetry reading at that cafe you always thought was a homeless shelter.
15. One man's unopened bottle of wine is the another man's gift to receive at a housewarming party.
16. The retail space at the corner of Robertson and Santa Monica in West Hollywood is cursed. I'm convinced of it (R.I.P. Java Detour and the countless other businesses that existed before).
17. Red Bull and vodka is sooooo 2003.
18. Running low on shaving cream, pomade, or moisturizer? Forget Target. A gift bag from any movie premiere/fundraiser/magazine party will take care of that.
19. According to Facebook, I am now, thanks my network of L.A. "friends," one degree of separation from several child stars I grew up watching in the 80s and 90s.
20. Jealousy and envy can be easily diguised with a simple smile, an overenthusiastic pat on the back, and the words, "Congrats on getting your script sold! So proud of you!"
Bonus lesson: Trying to date a publicist is its own mission impossible (Oh, and the weather here? Truly doesn't suck).
Any more I'm missing?