My name is Hiko Mitsuzuka, and in response to your recent posting, I am happy to be the 438th potential candidate inquiring about your available social media/web content/writing position at [insert company name].
As a web content creator and editor for numerous outlets and platforms, I know a thing or two (or seven) about meeting deadlines, polishing the written word, managing assets, engaging online communities, and maintaining a brand's identity or voice (without my native New York accent getting in the way, natch). Additionally, being a commercial treatment writer for some of the country's top directors, I know what people want to read and experience -- and more importantly -- how they may want to share particular content with each other online without getting caught by their bosses at work.
As you'll see on my resume (attached, unscented), I've also worked in TV and commercial production for over eight years. As your [insert job title], I will bring with me several years of experience, strong relationships within the entertainment and publicity industries, and an undeniable passion for pop culture, which could never hurt -- some may even call me a junkie.
If you have any concerns about me working with celebrity talent, I can assure you that I've had my fair share of dealing with the demands and sensitive requests that come with such tasks. I can keep secrets. In fact, I've kept a good amount of indiscretions under wraps. There's the SNL alum who once cheated on his wife with a close friend of mine. There's the young Hollywood star of an action franchise who was a big underage drinker back in the mid-2000s (I have a picture of him downing a bottle of Hypnotiq to prove it). There's also the British pop star who favors autoerotique affixation behind closed doors (my former coworker has some anecdotes to back it up).
I'm afraid I've already said too much.
As for my skills, I can roll calls like there's no tomorrow, rock out some projects on Final Cut Pro, Photoshop, and InDesign, and make HMTL codes my bitch. As a matter of fact, I am tweeting, taking a conference call, and editing an interview with Keanu Reeves while I write this.
I look forward to hearing from you in the 3-5 weeks it will take you to read this.
*PS - Enjoy the enclosed $200 gift card to the Apple store as a token of my...appreciation.